Uncertain

There are a lot of things in life that you could be afraid of....heights, small spaces....what's your biggest fear?

I never would have guessed the emotion that would prevail in the first few months of my marriage. You would think the answer would be obvious....bliss. happiness. euphoria. Yes, after witnessing the obnoxious personal displays of affection commonly attributed to newlyweds, I thought one of these emotions would dominate my life for the first few months of being married. Therefore, I was totally shocked and unprepared for the feelings that invaded my life upon becoming Mrs. James Wightman. Terror? Oh yes. Fear? For sure. Panic? Definitely.

NOT what you'd expect to hear from the smiling pictures of our wedding day? No, probably not. Of course, the first few hours of being a wife, the natural emotions (bliss, etc.) were definitely present. But, it seems, as soon as I arrived in England, I was gripped by a mind numbing fear of....what? What was I afraid of? It's not until recently I've figured that out.

Uncertainty. I believe that uncertainty is the very heart and foundation of fear. Think about it. Why do people fear heights? They are not certain that they will not fall. Small spaces? Perhaps it will close in around you, or you are encapsulated in a living tomb. Who knows? Uncertainty.

Okay, so a bit morbid, I admit. What did I have to be afraid of? I had a wonderful new husband and family, a cute little newlywed home to call my own, and the most beautiful landscape surrounding me. It may sound odd, but I was afraid of not adjusting. Not finding a job. Not making friends. Not to mention living in a new country and placing my heart and life into the hands of a man other than my Dad. There were so many things about my new life that were uncertain.

You'll be happy to know that the panic slowly faded and I began to get my wits about me after nearly half a year of being married. I finally began to see a ray of light shining through the darkness which had suffocated the joy out of my first months of marriage. I started to take necessary and practical steps toward adjusting to life in the U.K. : Visa, National Insurance Number, Doctor, Dentist, Church, etc.

Last night the uncertainty and the panic began to creep back in. Would I pass my driving test? I had a horrible driving lesson that day. Would I ever find a job? I've applied for so many....and have hardly heard back from any.

There were things that made this morning a lot less daunting than it could have been. It was a crisp clear autumn day (my favorite), I'd had a great night's sleep, and I had a strong cup of coffee to start the day. I'm pleased to say that I have passed my driving test, AND I should be receiving a job offer (albeit temporary) in the next few days. What a day! Take that, panic.

Also, having finally being able to pinpoint uncertainty as the primary cause for fear, I am learning to look at opportunities in a new light. Perhaps uncertainty doesn't have to mean that I'm afraid....perhaps I can learn to roll with the punches instead of getting knocked down. Uncertainty can mean life is spontaneous. exciting. full of variety. It's all about how you look at things.

Anyway, that's my first edition blog on married life. No. Life, in general. Uncertainty could catch anyone off guard in the "real world". So, look out. Don't let it knock you down, but fight back.