Clarity

Since I've become a wife, I've learned a lot about cleanliness.

For instance, I've learned that my mom must have been cleaning non stop to keep our house as clean as it always was while I was growing up. In fact, now that I think of it, she was cleaning a lot of the time....and often asking me to keep my room or the bathroom clean...which I mostly neglected to do. On those two points I feel I need to say to my mom: Thank you, and I'm sorry I was such a mess!

However, this entry isn't actually just about cleaning. How very tiresome that would be for you all! (Sorry...I'm reading Jane Austen....) So, just hang in there through the next couple of paragraphs....

Since I have a very important guest coming in a few days, I've decided to give the house a good pre-winter clean. Yesterday, it was the kitchen. I emptied all the cupboards, re-organized and made room for some wedding gifts which had been hanging around awkwardly, bleached the counters and tiling, scrubbed down all the doors and shelves, etc. The area that struck me, however, was the space between the cupboards and the ceiling. A very functional space, acting as a shelf to store the large awkward appliances like the steamer and food processor, but altogether neglected in my daily wipe down of the kitchen.

Yesterday, however, I removed all the clutter to find the most DISGUSTING, dusty, sticky residue lining the top of the cupboards. In order to clean it, I had to climb up on and kneal on the hard counter for half an hour and scrub. It was dirty. It was uncomfortable. It was painful. Now? It's clean.

All of this cleaning has got me thinking. For most of us, keeping our house or our room tidy is something we just do. You don't really have to think about it....you just live your life and tidy up along the way. But how often do we really clean?

What if we're living our lives that way? We try to stay satisfied, "tidy" ,if you will. It's fairly easy to do. Every once in a while we feel a bit down or we have questions, so we pull it together....but what about under the furniture? What about the hard questions?

What does my life mean? Have I really found what I'm looking for? Am I really fulfilled? Am I taking things for granted?

It's so much easier if we're feeling a bit down or frustrated or confused to sit down with an episode of friends, or a nice cocktail, and just ignore the problem.

I think, by now, you've probably guessed my point. The same way it's important to really clean the house every once in a while, it's important for us to take stock of our lives....our emotions....our questions. Really, sit down, on your own and think. It might be painful. It might be dirty. But, in the end, it's the only way we will ever truly understand ourselves. It's the only way we can have clarity.

Uncertain

There are a lot of things in life that you could be afraid of....heights, small spaces....what's your biggest fear?

I never would have guessed the emotion that would prevail in the first few months of my marriage. You would think the answer would be obvious....bliss. happiness. euphoria. Yes, after witnessing the obnoxious personal displays of affection commonly attributed to newlyweds, I thought one of these emotions would dominate my life for the first few months of being married. Therefore, I was totally shocked and unprepared for the feelings that invaded my life upon becoming Mrs. James Wightman. Terror? Oh yes. Fear? For sure. Panic? Definitely.

NOT what you'd expect to hear from the smiling pictures of our wedding day? No, probably not. Of course, the first few hours of being a wife, the natural emotions (bliss, etc.) were definitely present. But, it seems, as soon as I arrived in England, I was gripped by a mind numbing fear of....what? What was I afraid of? It's not until recently I've figured that out.

Uncertainty. I believe that uncertainty is the very heart and foundation of fear. Think about it. Why do people fear heights? They are not certain that they will not fall. Small spaces? Perhaps it will close in around you, or you are encapsulated in a living tomb. Who knows? Uncertainty.

Okay, so a bit morbid, I admit. What did I have to be afraid of? I had a wonderful new husband and family, a cute little newlywed home to call my own, and the most beautiful landscape surrounding me. It may sound odd, but I was afraid of not adjusting. Not finding a job. Not making friends. Not to mention living in a new country and placing my heart and life into the hands of a man other than my Dad. There were so many things about my new life that were uncertain.

You'll be happy to know that the panic slowly faded and I began to get my wits about me after nearly half a year of being married. I finally began to see a ray of light shining through the darkness which had suffocated the joy out of my first months of marriage. I started to take necessary and practical steps toward adjusting to life in the U.K. : Visa, National Insurance Number, Doctor, Dentist, Church, etc.

Last night the uncertainty and the panic began to creep back in. Would I pass my driving test? I had a horrible driving lesson that day. Would I ever find a job? I've applied for so many....and have hardly heard back from any.

There were things that made this morning a lot less daunting than it could have been. It was a crisp clear autumn day (my favorite), I'd had a great night's sleep, and I had a strong cup of coffee to start the day. I'm pleased to say that I have passed my driving test, AND I should be receiving a job offer (albeit temporary) in the next few days. What a day! Take that, panic.

Also, having finally being able to pinpoint uncertainty as the primary cause for fear, I am learning to look at opportunities in a new light. Perhaps uncertainty doesn't have to mean that I'm afraid....perhaps I can learn to roll with the punches instead of getting knocked down. Uncertainty can mean life is spontaneous. exciting. full of variety. It's all about how you look at things.

Anyway, that's my first edition blog on married life. No. Life, in general. Uncertainty could catch anyone off guard in the "real world". So, look out. Don't let it knock you down, but fight back.